Behind closed doors

Behind closed doors

Dear mummy, so it’s got to this.

You are staring at your hand filled with sleeping pills. This has been the hardest post to write, you see this blog was only ever supposed to be recording the happy times.

Unfortunately recently we’ve only had the bad. Illness, no sleep, relationship problems. You’ve done quite well shielding me from how you feel though. With a family history of mental health issues ranging from Alcoholism, which lead to your father’s death at 52, to eating disorders and depression. It’s about time something was going to happen to you.

At Christmas it’s always worse. Trying to keep everyone happy, putting a fake smile on, telling yourself that you are happy. Some days you are. Some days you are not.

So, here you are. Sleeping pills & pain killers or writing this post to get it off your chest. People sing about contemplating suicide, but until you actually feel like you can do it, do you fully emerge yourself in the task of planning it. Fantasising on ways that you could end it all. Hanging on window blind cords, driving your car into a brick wall or inching slowly off the motorway. Taking drugs mixed with sleeping pills and going to the kitchen drawer downstairs and grabbing a knife. You’ve thought about stabbing yourself in the stomach a lot, you don’t think you could cut your wrists.

Sleep deprivation and lack of self-esteem has led to this post. You hate yourself and feel others are mocking you and bitching about you behind your back. You feel you aren’t good enough to be a mum, by feeling constantly judged by others. You aren’t good enough to blog because you can’t spell or use grammar correctly. You’ve failed at being successful by being a lowly graphic designer. You’re ugly, fat and hate yourself. Daddy doesn’t listen to you or respect advice that you try to give. Always wanting to be in control of everything and you feel like a spare part. Surely no-one would miss you….except me. I’m the reason you are writing this post instead of ending it all. I’m the reason you are doing this blog, I’m the reason why you are trying to live your life. You are doing a shit job at it mummy and screwing it all up.

What to do…?

I don’t know.

Bella.

5 thoughts on “Behind closed doors

  1. Oh lovely, I wish I could step into this blog right now and give you a big hug. Hang on in there and please, please make sure you speak to your GP or call the Samaritans or some one as soon as you can as you shouldn’t have to feel that you need to struggle on feeling like this. You are a good mummy and Isabella loves you and needs you and I’m sure your other family members feel the same.

    Christmas is such a hard time of year when you are struggling, there is so much pressure to be happy. Illness, sleep deprivation and relationship problems combined make things so much harder to bear. Are you able to find any time for yourself over the festive period, even if just for a few moments so you can have some time to switch off from it all, go for walk or have a soak in the bath?

    I wish I could make you feel better right now. I have felt close to being suicidal too at times and knowing my children need me keeps me going too. It will get better though, although that may be hard to believe right now.

    People only judge others if they are insecure themselves. Happy people don’t feel the need to. You are doing a good job – you clearly love your daughter and that alone makes you a good mummy. And I’ve never noticed spelling and grammar mistakes in your blog either.

    Really hope you can get some help and support soon. You will get there. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and really hope life starts looking brighter for you soon.

    Louise xxxx

  2. The fact that you wrote this means that you are a very brave woman and a very good Mom. A close family member of mine was in a very similar experience at Christmas a few years back and he says now that getting help was the best choice he made. Visit your doctor and talk to family or friends.

    Sending my love 🙂 xx

  3. Awe sweetheart. Please know you’re not alone. Being a mummy is a tough job and adding depression on top feels like a kick in the teeth but i promise there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. I’ve had depression for over 7 years and although I’ve felt the exact same as you are feeling right now, i knew i couldn’t do that to Agent M just like you know you don’t wanna do that to Isabella. You are a kick ass mum and that gorgeous little girl is proof. People will always criticise others parenting. I’ve had people thrust their opinions on my parenting for years but i just nod politely then continue as i am (or on a couple of occasions have reminded them to back the fuck up and keep their mouth shut).

    You are mum and your on par with wonder woman my darling. Keep your chin up, Speak to your GP and take the time you need to get to the other side.

    Your definitely not alone here and we’re all here for you. Cheering you on. Reading your blog and loving it.

    Massive hugs and lots of love xxxxxx

    • My mummy says ‘Thanks everyone for your kind words of encouragement. The cloud has lifted a bit today, but I still feel it rattling around in my head. Like a bitter aftertaste. We’re outside in the fresh air today which should help’ x I’m still being a little pickle 😉 Bella x

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