It’s the morphine talking…

Dear Mummy, you are shell of your former self, hobbling around like an old women. Living out your life from a drug dispensing notebook. Your days revolve around when you can take your opioids to relive the pain from your lung surgery two weeks ago. You are frustrated and lock yourself away in your room, hating yourself for not being the mother and woman you want to be.

Depression quotes

Passively observing life from your windowsill. Hearing the front door slam shut each morning allowing your to rise from your deathly pit and not be seen by anyone. If you had your way no-one would see you like this… but you let your guard down at the doctor’s surgery recently crumpling into a ball under the wealth of questions they asked you, like ‘how are you coping’ ‘how’s the pain’ you see, my mummy isn’t coping she’s falling to pieces behind closed doors. She failing to recover as quickly as last time.

Depression quotes

Her body isn’t playing ball, it can’t keep up with her expectations that she should be going to BBQs, not declining invites and out exploring the sunshine with me. Instead she’s stuck in bed, propped up with pillows in the attempt to sleep off the whole nightmare. Having two collapsed lungs in 10 weeks and surgery has knocked the wind from her sails. She’s at a standstill watching life pass her by until she gets better and she hates it.

Depression quotes

There’s nothing worse than not being able to share quality time with your daughter, hearing her come home from nursery babbling away about her day to someone else. Trying to be there but not being able to pick her up or cuddle her properly. Being in the house ‘resting’ and hearing life downstairs go on without you. You seem to make home life worse at the moment as you don’t have the strength to parent, letting me get away with murder, causing arguments leading to self-doubt which sees you retreat back to the safety of your room.

Depression quotes

My mummy is having a down day, it could be the morphine talking but it seems to be the only thing getting her through this difficult period. All the things she has to look forward too next month is in jeopardy as she doesn’t know whether she will be up to it. She can’t plan anything as she’s still worried something else might go wrong. She hasn’t got the best luck you see. Anxiety at its finest has struck her and it’s a mindset she’s now struggling to get out of. Maybe it is the morphine taking.

Depression quotes

My mummy is usually very good at pulling herself out of the swamp of sadness that pulls her under. But this time she hasn’t the strength both mentally and physically. Time is supposed to be a healer – she just needs it to hurry up so she can jump back onboard the carousel that is life. I’m sure her friends and colleagues aren’t going to hang around forever. Even the blog is suffering as she hasn’t even been in the mood to talk on social media *shock horror*

Depression quotes

Hopefully in a couple of weeks she’ll be back to her normal self…whatever that is. The drugs are making her physically better but mentally they are making her a mess. The nurse told my mummy that taking Tramadol and MorphineΒ can also make young people go a bit ‘coo coo’ she even did the actions to demonstrate. Normally my mummy would have smirked at this but all she did was stare aimlessly out of the window.

Have you every felt low from being ill for a long time? Please tell me it gets easier!

Love Bella x

22 thoughts on “It’s the morphine talking…

  1. Such an emotional, heart-wrenching post 😦 I haven’t been depressed due to illness, but I have been very, very down recently, not wanting to leave the house, not wanting to eat or speak to people. Without going into the ins and outs of what happened to me, I can 100% say that time is the best healer and that you will get through this rough patch. Please stay strong and remember to let those around you help you xx

  2. Wow! I didn’t expect this to be so deep and heartfelt. I can’t relate on that level, but I think we’ve all dealt with things that made us want to give up, just stop right there and never go forward but it’s so important to look around and see who you’re doing this for. It might not be yourself, but it might just be enough to help you get through.

  3. You know most of us can not even imagine what it’s like to have lung surgery and how long recovery takes and how it can affect you as an individual. Sending you hug hugs, you will be better in no time.

  4. It’s so horrible to hear that this is how she’s feeling. When I’m feeling low I have a pamper and make sure I’m surrounded by all the things I love including loads of chocolate x

  5. Oh my goodness, that’s so much to have to deal with at once. I really hope the next few weeks get easier as you heal. We’re all here, if you need us. Just shout x

  6. Such a heartbreaking post. I am sorry your mummy is really struggling right now. I can say though, that after a really bad shoulder issue, I felt just like she does.
    I couldn’t wash myself or dress myself or brush my children’s hair. I couldn’t cook for them as I couldn’t grip a knife.
    It led to great depression and the medication sent me spiralling into sadness, and ultimately I became addicted to pain meds.
    However there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Mummy will get better and she will be chasing after you in no time.
    She just needs to remember that she has been desperately poorly and needs to rest to get better. It will happen and you can have lots of adventures soon xxxx

  7. Thank you for your comments. It’s Daddy here. Mummy is an amazing woman in so many ways and it’s heartbreaking to read this and bare witness to her termoil without the ability to take her pain away. I love her dearly and remain hopeful that this is just a moment in her/our story for there are so many more experiences and memories to share. Love you mummy you are a wonderful writer. D x

  8. I wish for you to be able to find that glimmer of faith and hope that can help pull you our from under this. As one of the images in the post read, ” You don’t need to be ready to recover, you only need to be willing”. It may not be that easy, but you have so much to get better for and as others have said time will help heal – both emotionally, and physically. xx

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